Being a mom is hard.

Let's be honest.

Today someone asked me if taking care of a baby and being a mom was hard. I shrugged and said not really, it's fun. Right now we are in the super fun 10 month exploring and rapid cognitive growth stage and it's awesome! Seriously, watching this guy grow and learn is so fun. But then I think about everything we have gone through to get here...

Yes, it is fun, BUT it is also hard. It is very hard. Being up all night with a screaming newborn is hard. Pacing around the house for hours on end because that's the only way he won't cry is hard. Not knowing what your baby needs when he's crying is hard. Breastfeeding is hard. Heck, just trying to dress in appropriate clothes to breastfeed in is hard. When people don't invite you to things because they assume you're doing mom things, it's hard. When you go back to work and have to leave your 8 week old at day care, it's excruciatingly hard. Trying to make new mom friends is hard. Sleep training is hard. Navigating my new self is hard. Constantly wondering if you're making the right decisions for your tiny human is hard.

I'm sure this is not the answer she was looking for, but it's honest. I feel like it's easy for social media to glamorize being a mom. It probably looks easy in all of the cutesy pictures that are posted, but honey, it's not easy, but it's worth it.

Mom's do not get breaks. We do not get to go to the bathroom alone. Or shopping. Or anywhere. If I'm lucky I can remember to shower and eat lunch while the baby takes a 30 minute nap. If I do leave the baby to go grocery shopping, my mind is only thinking about the baby and I end up forgetting half of the things I was supposed to buy because suddenly I feel like I need to rush home.

My intention is not to make motherhood sound negative. There is SO much more to being  a mom and 99% of it is positive. It is glorious. But I feel like I owe my friend an honest answer about what being a mom is like. It is a whole new world that you will not even come close to understanding until you are standing in my shoes and spit-up stained clothes. Shaping this tiny human takes every ounce of energy and rewards me 1000% more than I can even put into words.

Breastfeeding

If you don't want to read about boobs and lactation, then stop reading now. 

I want to share my breastfeeding story to encourage other mommas who may be having a difficult time, because I can attest that it is not an easy feat. 

Brendan and I took the breastfeeding class that our hospital had to offer before our baby was born. It was great! So much helpful information.  I felt prepared to nurse my newborn after that class. Oh how I had no idea what I was getting into. 

After Futch was born I couldn't get him to latch very well at the hospital and we met with the lactation consultants several times. They are incredibly helpful and knowledgable. They reminded me of everything I had learned my class and had forgotten about. How to hold the baby, make sure he's plenty awake, wearing only a diaper, etc. It seemed like things were going okay, other than horrible sore, cracked, bleeding nipples... but I just figured that's how it was supposed to be at first. 

Two days after we got home from the hospital I went through engorgement. They warned me that I could feel like I had the flu for 24 hours and that was completely normal. So I attributed my lethargy, fever, loss of appetite, and aches to engorgement. Then Brendan noticed I had a bright red triangle spot on my boob. I immediately began crying (again) and called my doctor and he confirmed that I had mastitis and that people don't normally get it this early. Yay me. Mastitis is like a staff infection in the boob. Incredibly painful and stressful on it's own, but add in the fact that I was still learning how to breastfeed and trying to take care of a less than 1 week old baby. 

At this point Futcher was nursing every hour and every single time I was in tears and bleeding and leaking everywhere. It was physically and emotionally one of the worst things I have ever experienced. Futch was crying and having a horrible time trying to eat. I was crying because I felt inadequate. My innocent little baby relied on ME to feed him and it was excruciating. I was ready to give up. I gave myself little goals like, just breastfeed until he's 2 weeks old, then you can quit. 

It took the mastitis a couple of weeks to go away because it was in both breasts. Even after the infection, we were still having trouble latching. A chunk of my nipple had been gnawed off. Literally. It took a couple of months to heal and during that whole time we just powered through (with a lot of nipple cream).  Each nursing session was around 20 minutes and involved tons of towels and leaking and watching a lot of Netflix while Futcher nursed. Now he nurses for about 5 minutes and he's done!

Brendan was incredibly helpful and supportive during all of this. We traveled around Christmas when the baby was only 6 weeks old and we still didn't have a handle on breastfeeding. Brendan made sure that I always had a comfortable place to nurse. He was so understanding of how hard it was for me throughout all of it. 

I didn't feel like I had breastfeeding down until around 2 months. It finally became less painful and more bearable. I struggled some with my supply which was probably due to immense stress from everything we had gone through. Now, at 8 months things are going great. I am so so thankful that we powered through and are continuing to breastfeed. Futcher doesn't love taking a bottle and won't drink more than 3oz from it so I'm sure weaning him will be an adventure, but we aren't planning on that quite yet. 

So moms: You CAN do it. Breastfeeding is hard work. But you are a mom. You carried and labored that baby. You are strong and you can do this. Speak to a lactation consultant. Find a breastfeeding group. Don't give up!

And dads: Go to the breastfeeding class. Keep encouraging your wife. Bring her snacks and water when she's nursing. Look for the signs of infection that she may miss. 

Favorite Baby Products

There are a bunch of baby products we have but don't really need. And some things that we couldn't live without!

Here are my very favorite products for the stage Futcher's in right now (crawling, chewing, pulling up, grasping):

1. Wonder Bumpers

These were lifesavers when our little guy learned how to stand, but not get back down. Started around 6 months he would stand and just let go and slam his head against the crib. These are expensive, around $150 to cover the whole crib but they are worth every penny. I highly recommend these over other bumpers. They are designed by Go Mama Go

This is not a picture from Futcher's nursery... It's from Target.com

2. Droolery

Pretty necklaces for me to wear and Futchy to chew on. They keep him occupied when we are out and about. They are easy to clean and satisfy a chewing baby. Droolery retails for around $30 but there are always deals on Jane.com and Zulily for around $15. 

I wore my Droolery everywhere while we traveled!

3. Sage Spoonfuls 

My mom got the whole Sage Spoonfuls kit for Christmas. I love the cookbook that it came with. I originally thought I would never use it because all things baby food can be found online. False. This book breaks everything down by what ages baby can be introduced to things, how to cook and store them, and what they taste good mixed with. It also comes with cute little jars which I use as well as ice cube trays to freeze. 

4. Ergo carrier 

We use the Ergo all the time! Futch loves to be carried (most of the time). It was a lifesaver when we traveled to Boston. He took great naps while being carried, and I got to enjoy extra baby cuddles. Before buying it I did a lot of research about which carriers are best and the Ergo had great reviews. We got ours for $50 at Kid to Kid. 

Here is a picture of us in Boston. It was rainy and I was able to zip my rain jacket around the Ergo and keep baby dry.

Here are my must have products from when Futcher was 0-5 months old:

1. Exercise ball

This has got to be the most used "baby product" we have. We have held and bounced our baby boy thousands of times on the exercise ball. It helped calm Futcher when he was tiny and even now I still use it to rock him to sleep. 

2. Zip up sleepers

They make life easier. Period. 

3. Changing pad liners

This way you don't have to wash the changing pad every day. Because babies and new mommies and daddies are messy (:

4. Exersaucer 

Futcher loves his exersaucer. He's not as impressed with it now, but we started putting him in it for a few minutes at a time when he was around 2 months old (he had great head control). It was fun to watch him progress and start interacting with the toys more and more evey day. I think he liked the feeling of independence. At first we had to put pillows under his little feet so he could reach. 

Of course there are many many other products we love, but these are definitely my top picks! 

Mommy

I cannot even begin to describe the way my life has changed since becoming a mommy. I now know a snippet of the happiness, heartache, joy, frustration, and love that my mother has felt.

I get it now.

I finally get what it means to be a mom. I remember in the first few weeks with Futcher when he was going through his fussy period, I was so heartbroken that I couldn't immediately provide what he needed and help him to stop crying. I know that over the years I will experience this emotion over and over and over again. My mom has endured this more times than I can count with all of her children, me especially.

Dear Mom,
    I appreciate you now, more than I ever have in my life. I know now that being a mom means enduring all of my chid's emotions. And you have endured 28 years worth of 4 children's! I have only been doing it for 6 months. But every time my baby cries, I feel it. When he is in pain, I'm in pain. When he is sad, I'm sad. I can't imagine all of the tears you felt with me over the years. Every heartache, you ached with me. Every time I didn't make a team (which was often over the years), you cried with me. Every tear of joy, you shared with me. For this, I am so thankful.

To me, being a mom means being willing to sacrifice yourself for your children, and I would do that in a heartbeat for my little monster. This has been the most rewarding journey I have ever taken.
It is the greatest gift God has given me.

For Mother's Day, I don't need flowers or jewelry. My gift is being a mom. My gift is seeing my baby smile his big toothless grin at me. My gift is watching my husband be the best father I could have imagined. My gift is changing diapers and cleaning spit up. It's watching my baby learn to crawl and eat and communicate. It doesn't get much better than this :)

Baby Monster is 3 Months!!

It's been 3 months. THREE WHOLE MONTHS! They don't lie when they say time flies with a baby. Let's recap our first 3 months:

The first glorious month was wonderfully hard yet perfect and a blur. Three days after we got home from the hospital I got mastitis. Getting mastitis with a less than one week old was emotionally and physically excruciating. I had a high fever, aching body/boobs, was uncontrollably shaking, and had bleeding nipples. And I had to power through in order to feed my baby every 1-2 hours. I cried during every feeding for 7 days. Every single feeding. Getting mastitis is bad, getting it before me and baby have mastered breast feeding is worse. 

... Thank God we survived that, because if we can get through that, we can get through anything. Also thank God for an incredibly supportive and helpful husband. 

The first two months consisted of Futcher and me taking lots of naps and our days flying by. He isn't a fussy baby but he is baby, so yes, he does fuss. We did tons of rocking, bouncing, and walking all through the night during those first 2 months. *If you're pregnant or have a new born, get an exercise ball and sit and bounce. Seriously.* Once he hit about 8 weeks he decided to 'sleep through the night'. He sleeps 4-5 hour stretches, eats, and falls right back to sleep at night starting around 10 pm. Somehow we got a pretty chill baby (:

Three months is so much fun. Futch puts sounds with his smiles and soon his little laugh will develop. At 10 weeks he rolled over from tummy to back. He loves his exersaucer even though we have to put a pillow under his feet so he can stand in it. He has the best toothless smile. He constantly has his hands in his mouth and is full of drool. Drool kisses are the best. 

I love everything about being a mom and a family of 3. Every cry, every diaper, every smile, every spit up, every babble, every 3am feeding. Every thing.